That Trojan War Thing
by Fiery Ferret of Doom
Summary: Shorter and funnier (but less helpful for tests) than the real thing. Mortals plus gods plus pointy sticks equals chaos! Read it and weep! With joy, of course...
1. All about the emus

DISCLAIMER:  Unfortunately, I do not own the Iliad.  If I did, everyone would have died in the first book and the next 23 would be superfluous.  Just kidding, of course…ahem.  Also, I do not own Lord of the Rings or whatever the phrase "Happy Place" comes from (Happy Gilmore?).  Enjoy! 

Finally!  It's the plot summary you've been dying to read:  The Iliad!  Ok, so my version _may be a bit different than Homer's…_

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BOOK 1:

This is a story about a man.  A man and his rage.  Oh, and also that Trojan War thing.

ACHAIAN (GREEK) CAMP

Agamemnon (who shall henceforth be known as "Aggie"): Hmm.  I wonder why all our troops are dying of the mysterious plague Apollowrathitis?

Achilles:  Duh…maybe it's because you refused to ransom the daughter of that priest of Apollo.  You'd better give her back before we all die…and not the glorious kind of death.  The turn green and cough up blood kind.

Aggie:  Fine.  I'll give her back, but I'm taking _your woman instead._

Ach:  Hey!  You can't do that!  That's not fair!

Aggie:  I'm the biggest king, so what I say goes!

Achilles, who suddenly has the strong desire to kill Aggie (surprise), spontaneously turns into Gollum/Smeagol.

Gollum:  He wants to take the preciousss.  He wants it for hissself! Gollum!

Smeagol:  No, Master is our friend!  We mussst not kill him!

Gollum:  But he's trying to take the preciousss!  We mussst kill him!

Athena:  Gollum!  Go back to your own book!  Achilles, no killing Aggie.

Ach:  Awwww… Fine.  But I'm not playing with him anymore until he says he's sorry!

Achilles, being the fierce and brilliant warrior that he is, does what any noble champion would do when confronted by an obstacle:  cries for his mommy.

ACHILLES' "HAPPY PLACE"

Ach:  Mo-om!!  He took my woman!

Thetis:  Now, honey, stop crying.  Your mascara is running.

Ach:  But Agamemnon took my favorite concubine!  Now I've only got like 200 left!  Can't you get Zeus to make our side start losing so all my friends get slaughtered and everyone will see how much they need me?

Thetis:  All right, already!  Sheesh.  Anything to get you to stop whining!

OLYMPUS

Thetis:  Hey there, Zeus.  Long time no see.  Remember that 20 bucks you owe me?

Zeus:  What?  I don't owe you any money!

Thetis:  Oh, my bad.  That was Ares.  _You owe me 'cause I saved your immortal butt during the latest coup attempt on Olympus._

Zeus:  D'oh!  I knew that coup would come back to haunt me.  What do you want?  An emu farm?  A lifetime supply of Skittles?  A less whiny son?

Thetis:  I _have _always wanted some emus…I mean, NO!  I want you to make the Achaians start losing so my son will look better.

Zeus:  Well, I have been telling all the gods to stay neutral in the war, but Ok.

Thetis leaves, muttering "_excellent" under her breath.  Oxide Hera…I mean ox-eyed (is that supposed to be a complement?)…knows something's up and confronts Zeus._

Hera:  Oh, no you didn't!

Zeus:  Who me?  I didn't do anything…er, Look!  Something shiny!

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Well, that's the first book of the Iliad in a nutshell.  Much thanks to ten miles til midnight, Blair, and Ham and Cheese for inspiration and technical assistance.  Yeah.  Just think – without them none of this would be possible! 

Several random adjectives that I may use (such as long-haired or ox-eyed) are used over and over and over in my translation(s), and so must also be mocked.

By the way, feedback is appreciated.  Flames are fun and toasty.


	2. French braids and scrambled eggs

DISCLAIMER (Again): Shall I make a list of the things I don't own?  Maybe it would be faster to list what I do have:  9 colors of Playdoh (Hey! Who stole the black?!), a singing hamster (kung-fu fighting), and a Lego pirate (yarr).  So, in other words, I don't own the Iliad.  Well, technically, I own two frickin copies of said epic, but Homer's the one that wrote it.  Oh, and I didn't write the Bible either, in case you were wondering.  And FYI, Tiresias is a blind prophet guy (who apparently used to be a girl…don't ask) that pops up in several Greek plays like Oedipus and such, none of which I own. Ok, now read!

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BOOK 2:

OLYMPUS

Zeus, who is feeling especially mischievous, decides to send a dream to Aggie.  But not just any dream; it was an evil Dream of DOOM, which basically tells mortals to do stupid things. 

Zeus:  BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!  I know!  I'll send an evil Dream of DOOM to Aggie telling him to go attack Troy (because they haven't been doing that for the past NINE YEARS).  Then all the Argives…Danaans…Achaians…what do I usually call them again?  Forget it!  All the stupid Greeks will die and Achilles will finally stop whining!  Hey, Dream!

Dream:  Yo.

Zeus:  Go disguise yourself as that old Greek Nestor and tell Aggie that I'm really on his side so he'll attack Troy.  But the really great part is, I'm not really on his side!  Isn't that a hoot?

Dream:  Word.

So the evil Dream goes to Aggie and convinces him to muster the Achaians against the Trojans.  Meanwhile, Zeus laughs evilly and mutters, "Psych!"  Aggie, unaware that Zeus is just messin' with him, decides to mess with the Achaians a bit.  After waving his big stick…I mean scepter…around a bit, Aggie tells the Greeks that Zeus told him to give up and go home.

Achaians:  Yay!  RUN AWAY!

Hera:  Wait a sec!  This isn't supposed to happen!  All the stupid Trojans are supposed to DIE!

Athena:  *Sigh*  Am I the only one who does anything?  Fine, I'll go tell my buddy Odysseus to stop everyone from leaving.

So, Athena gets Odysseus to give the Greeks a pep talk before they can run for home and they all say, "Oh, ok, we'll stay."  

Achaians:  Oh, ok, we'll stay.

Well, all except one guy, who heckles Aggie instead until Odysseus threatens to beat him up, then does beat him up with Aggie's big stick.

Heckler guy:  Aggie is stupid and greedy.  Why are we still following this guy?

Odysseus:  No talking smack about the king!  Take that!  Now shut up!

Heckler:  Owie.  *Whimpers*  Yes, master.

Odysseus:  That's what I thought.  Now, come on guys, Zeus promised we would beat the Trojans in the tenth year of fighting, so it would be kinda stupid to give up now.

Aggie:  Hey, I was just kidding about that whole retreat thing.  Let's go kick some Trojan butt!

Achaians:  Huzzah!

Homer:  Well, this book isn't nearly long enough, so I think I'll add a little part describing each Achaian leader, where they're from, how many troops they have, how the troops like to wear their hair, how they like their eggs, and a short life story and genealogy for everyone involved.  Let's see…

            "Attai begat Nathan, who begat Zabad, who begat Ephlal…."

Ferret:  No, you idiot!  That's from the Bible, which hasn't, by the way, come out yet.

Homer:  Um, well…I meant to do that!  And besides, Tiresias is getting tired of the whole blind prophet gig, so I thought I'd give it a try by predicting lines from a future work of literature.  Yeah.

Ach:  Whatever.  Get back to me already.

Homer:  Hey!  You're not even in this book!

Ach: *pouts* Mo-om!  I thought this epic was supposed to be about me!

So, anyway, it turns out that there are a ton of Achaians there (Who, by the way, prefer hard-boiled and a nice French braid overall.  It may seem like a lot of work before battle, but the braids really do keep the long hair out of the long-haired Achaian faces.).

The Trojans, feeling left out, decide that if the Greeks got to include a census, then they should get one too.  Turns out that there are a ton of them as well (The majority of which, incidentally, liked their eggs scrambled and their hair in a stylish mullet.).

The reader, having fallen asleep about ten pages ago, hopes none of this is on the test.

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And that, my friends, is the end of Book 2.   Thanks to Blair for the mullet and thanks to all my reviewers (Even the itchy one, although my rating is only PG.  Thanks for the gloves, though!), especially the ones I bribed…I mean…Look!  Something shiny!  Hey, it worked for Zeus…

Keep those reviews coming!  Pretty please?  Maybe next chapter I won't be so lazy and I'll actually thank people individually.  It could happen!


	3. Enter TROJAN MAN!

DISCLAIMER:  Do I really have to keep doing these things?  I mean, it's not as if Homer's going to pop out of his possibly nonexistent grave and sue me for mocking his epic.  Oh, well, I've said it twice and I'll say it again:  I do not, nor do I want to (no offense, Homer buddy) own the Iliad. For good measure, once again I do not own Lord of the Rings, either, although if I did I'd be very rich by now. Huzzah.

This chapter has a rare moment for the Iliad, where someone actually has a bright idea.  It also features that stupid girl that started the whole war, storytime, Trojan Man, and (finally) Helen herself.  Trojan Man, for those who are not of the US or really don't get out much, is the mascot for Trojan brand condoms.  How could I not put him in the Trojan War?

BOOK 3

PLAINS OF TROY

Random Greek soldier:  You know, I think we've done more talking in this war than actual fighting.

Nearby, another Greek soldier inadvertently stabs himself in the foot.

Random Greek soldier:  Hmm.  Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Paris, who is nancing about on the Trojan side in a nice leopard-print outfit, is feeling neglected.

Paris:  Okay, I started the whole stupid war for goodness sake!  What do I have to do to get some press around here?

Some Trojan soldier:  Maybe do some fighting once in a while (ahem…you worthless pansy…)

Paris:  Haha!  I can take on any Greek out there!  And I'm the prettiest!

Menelaus:  Hey, jerk!  You're the one that took my woman!  Bring it on!

As a young boy who opens his closet door late at night only to find that therein resides a cranky looking Bogeyman quickly wets his pants and hides under the bed, so too did Paris wet himself and flee behind the Trojan lines at the sight of an angry Menelaus.

Paris:  Dang!  Hector, I'm gonna need some new armor.

[Horse whinnies] Random voiceover:  TROJAN MAN!

Random person:  Look, it's Trojan Man!

Hector:  What?  Who are you?  Clearly I'm the only Trojan worth mentioning here.

Trojan Man:  Did I hear that somebody needs protection?

Paris:  Actually, I _was talking about body armor, but hook me up!  I'd rather be with Helen than out here anyway.  A person could seriously break a nail out here.  And everyone smells terrible._

Hector:  Paris, you good-for-nothing ninny!  I wish someone would kill you already!

Reader:  Actually, so do I.  That might end the war.  Plus, he's pretty annoying.

Hector chases away Trojan Man with a pointy stick (there can be only one), then brandishes it at his little pansy brother.

Hector:  You are seriously making us look bad.  The Achaians are already making fun of our mullets; we're never gonna hear the end of this.

Paris:  Okay, okay!  I'll agree to duel Menelaus for Helen.  Now stop poking me!

Hector:  Huzzah!  A good idea at last!  Why didn't I threaten him sooner?

Hector tells all the Trojan soldiers (who had apparently been fighting all this time) to sit down and talk amongst themselves whilst he tries to give the Greeks the news.  Eventually Aggie realizes that the Trojans are being much easier targets than usual and calls his troops to a halt.

Aggie:  Hmm.  All the Trojans have sat down and Hector's walking towards us with his pointy stick sheathed.  Maybe he's trying to tell us something…

Hector:  Sheesh.  About time.  How 'bout we all sit down and let Paris and Menelaus duke it out over Helen.  That way, we can all stop dying, the best man gets the girl, and my annoying brother will most likely die.  Win, win, people!

Menelaus:  Shoot, I could beat that pansy with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back.  While on one leg.  With a monkey on my back.  And-- 

Aggie:  Okay bro, we get the point.

Menelaus: Right.  Like I said, buh-ring it!

MEANWHILE, in TROY

Helen:  Oh, how I miss my husband and my homeland!  Maybe I shouldn't have run off with Paris just because he said he had a Playstation 2.  And it is annoying that he thinks he's prettier than me.

Old Trojan Men:  Dang, she's pretty!  

Old Trojan Men's Wives:  Stop ogling, you jerks!  She's half your age!  You never look at me like that! *Smack!*

Old Trojan Men:  OW!  Stupid women.  Helen may be pretty, but she's causing us way too much trouble.  Not to mention a war.  I wish she would just leave.

Priam, ruler of Troy:  Yeah, well, I keep wishing my son Paris would just leave, but no dice.  Besides, I prefer to blame the gods for bad things.  Chances are they had something to do with it.

OLYMPUS

Hera:  Hey!  I heard that!  Zeus, can I smite him?  Huh?  Can I?

Zeus:  NO!  No smiting!

Hera:  Curses.  Foiled again.

TROY

Priam: Helen, honey, you look lonely.  Come talk to Uncle Priam.

Helen:  Technically, father-in-law Priam.

Priam:  Whatever.  Wow, we have a great view of the battle we seem to be losing from here.  Who's that big, tall Greek there?  He's so buff; he must be a king.

Helen:  Oh, that's just my brother-in-law-once-removed Agamemnon.  But we all call him Aggie cuz we're too lazy to say his whole name.  Plus, it annoys the ever-chafing pants off of him.  It's always fun to make him angry.  Oh, and for some reason he seems to be the one in charge.

Priam:  Good to know.  What about that shifty-looking one down there?

Helen:  That's Odysseus.  His shiftiness is legendary.

Homer:  Read the Odyssey!  Read the Odyssey!!

Priam:  Hmm.  That was weird.  Anyway, who's that other buff guy over there?

Helen:  That's Big Ajax.  There's another one somewhere, but after years of being called "Little Ajax" I think he's developing a complex or two.  

Little Ajax:  *Whimper*  The voices!  Make them stop!!  *bursts into tears* 

(to cow:) What're you starin' at, punk?!  I am NOT little!!

Cow: *snickers in a bovine fashion*

Helen:  You know, Priam, if you're really curious, you could just ask all the Greeks to wear nametags.  I mean, they seem to enjoy giving introductory speeches anyway.  They'd probably be flattered.

Herald:  Yo, Priam!  You've got to go down to the battlefield for the duel between Paris and Menelaus over the woman.

Helen:  I am right here, buddy.

And so Priam goes down to the Plains of Troy, where the warriors hold the obligatory sacrifice before the duel can begin.

PLAINS OF TROY

Cow:  Dang.

Little Ajax:  Haha!  Take that Satan!  Who's little now, huh?

Hector:  Okay, now get ready to rumble!  First, do paper, rock, scissors to see who gets to go first.

Menelaus:  Rock!

Paris:  Paper!  I win!

Menelaus:  Nuh-uh!  How does paper beat rock?  That's just stupid.

Hector:  He may be stupid, but he still gets to go first.

Paris:  Yeah! … HEY!

Hector:  Storytime, guys!

All the soldiers quickly grab their teddy bears and blankies and sit down in a huge circle on the field.  Paris, who is determined to stall as long as possible, takes 30 minutes to get his armor on, while Menelaus taps his foot impatiently.

Everyone:  GET ON WITH IT!  Big Ajax's attention span isn't that long!

Big Ajax:  Ooh!  Can I burn something?

Little Ajax:  Mmm…fire…FIRE!  In my head!  Make it stop!  AAAAHH!

Paris:  Well, excuse me for trying to get the look right.  And I think I broke another nail trying to get the breastplate on.

Finally the fight began.  Actually, they circled each other for a while, waving their respective pointy sticks.  But eventually, Paris throws his pointy stick straight into Menelaus' shield.

Shield:  Ow.

Menelaus:  Ha!  Missed me!

Shield:  Speak for yourself.  I've got a pointy stick embedded in me.

Next, Menelaus casts his pointy stick at Paris. The projectile busted a hole through the shield of Paris, but he quickly executed a triple axle spin move, narrowly dodging the spear.

Shield: Ack! X_X

Paris:  Boo-yah!  I knew those ballet classes would come in handy!  Not to mention the interpretive movement and ice dancing!

Menelaus quickly draws his sword and hacks at Paris.  Paris is surprised.

Paris:  Hey, now!  Aren't we done?

Fortunately for Paris and unfortunately for everyone else, Menelaus' sword breaks from whacking it against Paris' hard head…er, helmet.  Undeterred, Menelaus grabs Paris' head and swings him around by the helmet.  Unfortunately, Paris' patron goddess, the meddling Aphrodite, breaks the strap that has been keeping the helmet on.  She carries Paris to his bedroom, leaving Menelaus all befuddled and very disappointed.  

Menelaus:  Where'd he go?  So, I win, right?

Greeks:  Huzzah!

PARIS' BEDROOM

Aphrodite:  Paris, you wait here and look pretty.  I'll go get Helen.  Cuz right now would be a great time for some lovin'.  Shoot, I'm the goddess of love; anytime's a great time for some lovin'.

Aphrodite goes to Helen elsewhere in the city and disguises herself as a mortal.

Aphrodite:  Helen, Paris wants to see you.  He's lookin' finer than usual, more like he just came from interpretive movement class than from battle.

Helen:  You can't fool me, Aphrodite!  Would you stop messing with me?  Why don't you go be with Paris, huh?  I've had enough of that pansy.

Aphrodite pulls a Galadriel and suddenly goes all tall and scary.

Aphrodite:  Girl!  Do you forget that you are talking to a GODDESS?!  Do what I say, or else!

Helen:  *Gulp!*  Yes, ma'am.

And so the lovely Helen goes to Paris' bedchamber and proceeds to mock him (you go gurl!)

Helen:  Aren't you dead yet?  My old hubby would've killed you dead if your little goddess hadn't saved you.  And how many times did you wet your armor today?

Paris:  Just three.  And I was actually on the field today!  Now get over here!

Helen:  Well, okay.

[horse whinnies]  Random voiceover:  TROJAN MAN!

Helen:  Trojan Man?

Paris:  Not again!

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Well that was fun. And surprisingly long.  Sorry about that. In case anyone was wondering (and I didn't make it clear), Helen and the stupid girl who started the whole war are indeed two separate individuals.  And I don't mean Aphrodite.  On second thought, referring to Paris as such might be an insult to girls everywhere. 

So, how was it?  I have low self-esteem!  I need positive reinforcement!  And let me know about Trojan Man.  Was he stupid, or should he make a return cameo?

Thank you reviewers! Specifically to (if you didn't review, you might wanna skip this part):

ten miles til midnight (Dream says "logos") 

Trinity Day (I really don't know, but I figure I'd rather be safe than sued…by…someone), Yuna (I want a Playstation!)

Rough Stuff (I was actually gonna put three snaps in Bk 1, but I thought people might be confused)

Zith (Hephy prolly won't show up until like Bk 18, so don't hold you're breath.  I think I did dumb it down a bit…better?)

Sugarjet Erin (too bad the Achaians didn't get a bigger part in this one) 

Sufferer (Yay mullets! As a wise person I know says, "Business in front, party in the back!") 

summergirl63088 (pfft! Who really stays awake in history class?) 

chemistry babe (alas! Smeagol didn't make an appearance!) 

and chimchimery (doom, not pooh! Grrr!) 

for reviewing before I finished this book!  Gasp!  I don't know if I want to do all that again…but I probably will.  Because you all rock.  

Until next time!


	4. Fun with fire and corpses

DISCLAIMER:  Hooboy.  It's time for another installment of the pointless disclaimer.  Or for a change of pace I could use this space as an opportunity to ponder on the ephemeral nature of existence:  i.e., why am I still wasting everyone's time with these disclaimers when everyone knows that I do not own the Iliad (or Monty Python or Douglas Adams or the Oresteia by Aeschylus while I'm at it)?  Why can we not spend our fleeting moments on this mortal coil on more important endeavors, such as shameless Paris bashing? (No, I don't own Hamlet either.)  And why are all my Oreos gone?!  Tell me!  I must know!!

BOOK 4

OLYMPUS

Zeus, once again feeling bored, mischievous, and slightly horny as usual (okay, the last part is fairly irrelevant and generally goes without saying for Zeus), decides to play with fire and incur the dreaded Wrath o' Hera.  A dangerous combination indeed.

Zeus:  Hey, hon, check it out!  I can juggle three fireballs at once!

Hera:  Remind me again why I married you.

Zeus:   Well, sis, I was pretty much the only guy in existence, except maybe our father Cronus and our brothers Hades and Poseidon.  You know Poseidon has _terrible_ breath and, well, everyone hates Hades.  Plus, I'm definitely the most handsome and powerful guy in our family.

Hera:  Ah, incest.  No wonder we're all so messed up.

Zeus:  Hey, I wonder if I could balance some fire on my head…hmm, was I supposed to be doing something right now?  Oh, yeah, inciting wrath.  Hey, Hera, wouldn't it be great if the Greeks and the Trojans could just get along?  They could all sit around a huge campfire and sing Kumbaya…ooh! And make s'mores!*(see A/N below)  Troy could survive and Menelaus could take Helen home!

Everyone:  You know what?  That actually does sound like a good plan.  Why don't we do that?

Hera:  Whatchu talkin' bout, Zeus?  This war's been going on for like ten years now.  It'd be a shame to quit now before all the Trojans die!

Zeus:  Sheesh, woman!  Bloodthirsty much?

Hera:  Yes.  Your point?

Zeus:  Fine.  I'll let Troy bite the dust, but I get to destroy one of _your_ favorite cities next time!

Hera:  Yeah, whatever.  I'm sending Athena to get the party started again.

Hera, confident once again in the demise of Troy, sends Athena down to the battlefield to stealthily put an end to the truce that had been called for the duel.  Athena was also supposed to pick up some milk and pita bread while she was down there, but she always forgets to stop by the Demeter's Bounty grocery when in Troy.

Upon descending to the Trojan lines, Athena quickly spots a particularly gullible-looking soldier and proceeds to poke him with a conveniently discarded pointy stick after disguising herself as a fellow Trojan.

PLAINS OF TROY

Athena:  Hey, you!

Gullible Trojan (aka Pandaros, but who really cares?):  Mwha?

Athena:  Yes, you, stupid…I mean, brother-in-arms!  You know what would be great?  You should shoot that sucka Menelaus while he thinks we still have a truce!  Then he'll be dead and you'll be famous and all the ladies will love you!  There will be absolutely no chance of this backfiring or risk of negative consequences.  Scout's honor!

Gullible Trojan:  Umm…okay.  

Athena:  Pfft.  As if I was a scout.  Of course, I was born fully grown from my father's head, so I may have missed out on a few childhood activities.  Like s'mores…

Gullible Trojan:  Huh?

Athena:  Nuthin.  You didn't hear anything.  I'm definitely not a goddess in disguise that is plotting your downfall.  Now go shoot Menelaus, already!

Gullible Trojan:  Okay.

And so Pandaros the Gullible shoots an arrow at Menelaus as he stands unsuspecting before the Greeks.  Athena, who is apparently the only god that does _anything_, deftly deflects the speeding arrow.  This would normally be a good thing, except that Athena ironically deflects the arrow into Menelaus' body.  Since Menelaus is a bleeder, he staggers around spurting blood for a while, asserting that it was just a flesh wound (which apparently it was).

Aggie, overcome with fear at the sight of Menelaus's condition and nausea at the sight of all the blood spurting out, despairs at the prospect of losing his dearest (albeit only) brother.  Collecting his wits, however, he delivers a beautiful impromptu eulogy, incorporating the answer to life, the universe, and everything, as well as an excellent recipe for dip.

Menelaus:  I'm not quite dead yet.

Aggie:  Poor thing.  I can feel the life draining from your body.

Menelaus:  Actually I feel much better now.  I could even do a little dance around…I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

Aggie:  Okay, okay!  Please stop the dancing!  I think I'll go write down that eulogy so I can use it when you really do die.

Menelaus:  Haven't you read the Oresteia?  You so die before I do. 

Aggie:  Laalaalaa…I can't hear you!  

Athena:  Ahem. Aren't you guys supposed to be fighting now?

The truce now broken, the Trojans and Greeks (with the exception of Menelaus, who has gone back to singing showtunes) reclaim their pointy sticks and proceed to wave them in each other's general direction.

Greek soldiers:  I kinda liked storytime.  Why do we have to fight again?

Trojan soldiers:  Yeah!  And we never got around to the Kumbaya!

Aggie:  DIE TROJAN SCUM!  Heeyah! *begins karate chopping Trojan butt*

Soldiers:  Awww….

Aggie decides to get the troops pumped up for battle, so he walks up and down the lines giving the occasional pep-talk and calling people cowards.

Aggie:  Come on, you pansies!  Let's go do what we came here for and kill some Trojans!  What are you standing around picking your noses for?

Odysseus:  Excuse me?  Did you just call me a pansy?

Aggie:  Um…of course not, buddy ol' pal…I was talking to the less scary-looking guy next to you.  Let's be friends.   So…about that battle…

[Insert graphic battle scenes here.  Many famous warriors which no one has heard of are killed by other famous unknown warriors.  Much spilling of entrails and fighting over corpses abounds.]

Greek soldier:  My corpse! 

Trojan soldier:  No, mine!

Greek:  But I killed him!  I should get to take his shiny armor and various items of jewelry for myself.  Ooh!  A choker!

Trojan:  But I'm related to someone who knows a friend of his!  His corpse is mine!

Greek:  Mine!

Trojan:  Mine! 

You get the picture.  This continues for some time until one side is able to recover the body without leaving too many more lying around.

Greek:  Yoink!  Our body now!  Hehe.  You stink!  Your mother was a—Ack!  X_X

Soldiers:  Sigh.  Here we go again...

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A/N: *s'mores: Don't know if everyone's heard of s'mores and Kumbaya.  The anonymousness of Trojan Man was a cultural eye-opener.  Let's just say that Kumbaya is a nice "let's be friends" camp song and s'mores (some more à s'more) are very tasty.  Chocolate + Marshmallow + Graham cracker + fire/microwave + pointy stick (optional) = gooey goodness.  Drat, now I want some.  Mmm… fire…

Woo!  Glad I finally got that off my chest.   Now this should keep those pointy sticks out of my face for a while.  Sorry in advance if the next post takes longer than a week again.  I always think, "I'll do it on the weekend," and before I know it it's "Where'd that weekend go again?"  You know what I'm talkin' about.

Now, about those reviews… Wow, where'd all those come from?  There's no way I bribed all you guys!  Yay for self-esteem boosters!  Anyhoo, I'm doin the whole "Thank you" thing again, so feel free to skip on down to the little "review" button thingy.  If enough people tell me to stop I might, but I figure that if you guys take the time to review, I may as well take time to respond. (Tell me if you don't want a reply.) So, big breath… 

Thank you especially bigly to:

mama gilly (Hey, don't look at me…it was all Homer.  Cept maybe Trojan Man…I think that was added later by the Romans)

Trinity Day (Hmm…maybe TM isn't so much a mascot as an imaginary ad spokesman?  I actually saw a Trojan commercial yesterday and had to laugh.  I love it when people give their favorite lines!)

Stinky Pete (I'm glad the simile was appreciated, although to be more accurate I'd have to put about four of them in every chapter.  And make them a couple lines longer.  And then a couple more.)

Pointy Stick (Dude.  Your name rules.  Truly from the mind of an intellectual giant.  No worries Stickperson, this parody is for Iliad lovers and haters.  I'm prolly somewhere in the middle…perhaps leaning more towards one side…)

Zork the Unbearable (Randomness is like string cheese.  Yep.)

ten miles (Haha!  I have abbreviated your name! Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in 'miles' you get slime?  Boy I need more sleep.  I think you're right about poor TM, but he might accidentally slip back in the story later on.)

Hermia's Muse (I hope you mean funny ha-ha and not funny you should be wearing a straightjacket.  Actually, both might be okay.)

Haname (Very highly extremely unlikely that I'll do anything on the Odyssey, although I've been trying to convince someone else to give it a shot.  Actually, I read it fairly recently and noticed that my version at least wasn't as easily parodiable-yes, I did just make up another word-as the lovely Iliad.  But hey, if I can do this, drunken one-armed monkeys prolly could, so anyone may as well give it a try.  And clearly, being a pest can get results.  Pester on!)

Aeriel Ravenna (It's awesome that you read this without having read the Iliad!  Make sure to point out anything that needs more explaining.)

Katja the German Spy (Normal is relative, really.  Ha!  Someone implied that I'm normal!  Huzzah!  Reviews are fun, aren't they?)

Annie (Whoa.  My parody used for educational purposes?  That's just mind-boggling.  I can just imagine some student asking if they really had s'mores in the Trojan War.)

Have I mentioned that you guys rock?  Or that I have low self-esteem?  REVIEW S'MORE!  Por favor?


	5. Fiery Hairdo of DOOM!

DISCLAIMER:  Homer seems like a nice guy, really.  I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I borrowed his characters, storyline, CD collection… you know.  Just for a bit.  I promise to give them back only slightly scarred for life.  Really, it'll be fun! Also, the Crocodile Hunter and whatever else I accidentally threw in that doesn't belong to me…doesn't belong to me. Yesh.

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BOOK 5

PLAINS OF TROY

Athena, who like her father gets bored easily, decides that things are too quiet on the western front and tries to think of a way to stir things up.  She happens to see Diomedes, a mighty Greek warrior who, incidentally, no one seems able to remember.  Giggling diabolically, the goddess concocts a plan to devastate the Trojan ranks:  set Diomedes on fire and shoo him out into the middle of battle.

Athena:  Hey you!  What's-your-name! 

What's-his-name:  The name is Diomedes, you know.  I am one of the greatest of the Greek warriors!  Why doesn't anyone know my frickin' name?!  Sheesh…just because Odysseus has his own epic and Aggie has a play or two…

Athena:  Yeah, whatever.  Listen, have you ever thought of wearing your hair in flames?  I know it sounds drastic, but I really think it would bring out the crazy in your eyes.

Diomedes:  Huh? Fire?  FIRE!  Why is my head on fire?!!  AAAHHH…Oh, wait, it doesn't hurt at all…

Little Ajax:  (pops up out of nowhere)  Fire?  Did somebody say fire?  Where?!

Diomedes:  Shut up!  You're not even in this part!

 Cow:  (Chases Lil' Ajax from field)  Moo!

Athena:  Thanks, Bessie.  (to Diomedes): Of course it doesn't hurt.  The blinding fire emanating from your head is to intimidate the enemy, not fry your brain—assuming there's a brain in there somewhere.  Now go out there and scare the pants off of those Trojans with your flaming self!

Diomedes:  It's always "hey-you do this" or "what's-your-face do that."  All I'm askin' is for a little recognition here.  After all, I slaughter just as many people as the other heroes.  In fact, more than most!

Athena:  Fine…_Diomedes_…you're on my Top Ten Favorite Mortals list.  Now will you please go kill some more Trojans?

Diomedes:  Woohoo!  Take that Odysseus!  I'm Athena's favorite, too!  Time for the Trojan scum to feel my fiery wrath!  Hey…did she call me stupid?

So Diomedes, always happy to oblige the gods (especially when it comes to killing things) but still slightly confused, marches out into the fray, slaying Trojans left and right.  Oddly enough, this seems to tick off the surviving Trojans, who prepare to strike back at the rampaging Greek hero.  However, Athena the Wise and Warlike sees this coming and plots for a way to make the playing field less even.  Spotting Ares watching over the battle, Athena employs the tried and true diversionary tactic of the ancient Greek gods.

Athena:  Hey Ares!  Look!  Something shiny! 

Ares:  Shiny?  Ooo!  Was it a sword?  I love things that are shiny AND pointy!

Athena:  Yeah, sure.  A big, pretty, sharp sword.  And it went thataway… Away from the battle….You'd better hurry if you're going to catch it!

Ares:  Come back, preciousss!  Where's the shiny preciousss?

With Ares out of the way, Athena and What's-his…er, Diomedes inspire the Greeks to drive the Trojans back.  Like a rampaging rugby team plowing through a sculpture of a taunting Frenchman composed entirely of wet toilet paper, so the flaming Diomedes devastates the damp-trousered Trojans.  Or are they wearing manly skirts?  Regardless, the Trojan lines become more and more squiggly as the soldiers flee the Fiery Hairdo of Doom in fear.  That is, until one Trojan warrior gets a brilliant idea.

Trojan soldier:  Boy, that flaming fellow sure is causing us a lot of trouble.  Maybe I should shoot him or something?

And so, aiming his bow, the ingenious soldier shoots an arrow into Diomedes' mighty but flameless shoulder.  Giving a loud whoop of triumph, the elated Trojan yells encouragingly to his comrades.

Trojan soldier:  I got one! I actually hit something!! …I mean, um, now that I have brought low the mighty soldier that has been decimating our forces, we will surely be victorious this day!

Diomedes: It's just a flesh wound.  Actually, that didn't even sting.  Would someone take this splinter out of my shoulder?  It's crampin' my style.  You there, lackey!  Take this arrow out so I can go kick the butt of whoever shot me!  And get me a danish (mmm…pastry) while you're at it!

Now arrow-free, Diomedes prays to Athena (again, the only god that does anything) to give him the strength to wreak his vengeance.  Athena, being in a generous mood, grants Diomedes the power to see the normally invisible gods as they blatantly interfere on the battlefield.

Diomedes:  Hey, where'd you come from?

Athena:  You can see all the gods now, genius. Now remember, mortal:  gods = scary and powerful, so if you see one coming at you, run away!  Except my _dear_ sister Aphrodite.  Feel free to stab her; she's a pansy.  The way she wails every time she breaks a nail…

Diomedes:  Right-o!  Stab everything in sight.  Gotcha!

And so Diomedes proceeds to do so, slaughtering Trojans left and right and collecting the shiny things that fall from their corpses (a favorite pastime of any self-respecting hero).  After a while, the great Trojan hero Aeneas notices the minor bloodbath that seems to follow in Diomedes' wake.

Aeneas:  Poseidon's Pointy Purple Pitchfork!! (a popular exclamation in Troy)  Someone shoot that guy already!  Shoot him!!

Familiar brilliant Trojan soldier:  I tried!  He barely even noticed it!  And now he's trying to kick my butt!

Aeneas:  Hmm.  Well.  Stinks to be you.

Trojan soldier:  Hey, wait!  You're supposed to be a courageous fighter and leader!  Help me out here!

Aeneas:  Alright, alright; keep your skirt on…we can go after him together.  I'll drive, you ride shotgun…er, bow and arrow. (A/N: Dunno how widely used it is, but "shotgun" refers to the passenger seat…American slang is an interesting thing.)

Working as a team, the two Trojans drive their chariot after Diomedes.  His Greek comrades wisely counsel him to squeal like a young pig squashed by a herd of feral woodland cows and flee battle like everyone else, but the flaming hero merely stands his ground and smiles wickedly in anticipation of new victims to stab.  Hoisting his spear, the luckless Trojan marksman flings his pointy stick at Diomedes, piercing his apparently flimsy shield and thus voiding the warranty. 

Trojan soldier:  Haha!  I definitely got him this time! 

Diomedes:  Nuh uh, fool!  (singsong voice) Neener-neener-boo-boo! You can't hit me!  

Still doing his happy victory dance, Diomedes hurls his Athena-powered Trojan-seeking spear at his enemy, effectively shish–kabobbing the expendable Trojan.  Aphrodite's son Aeneas, however, still has his own epic to star in and perhaps a civilization to found and therefore is not allowed to die just yet.  Nevertheless, things are not looking good for the pious Trojan hero as Diomedes approaches him wielding a boulder the size of Aggie's ego.  Diomedes hurls the boulder at his foe and strikes Aeneas in the hip, miraculously not killing him or scarring him for life.

Aeneas:  Owieeeeee! I want my mommy!!!

Diomedes: Ha! I have defeated him at last!

Aphrodite: Yoink! Got my son!

Swooping down from above and grasping her wounded son, the goddess of love attempts to carry Aeneas to safety.  Unfortunately, she doesn't count on Diomedes, who recognizes the pansy…er, delicate goddess thanks to Athena's intervention and switches into Goddess Hunter mode. 

Diomedes (Australian accent): Today we're on the trail of the very elusive Aphrodite, goddess of love. There she is! Crikey, what a beaut! Now, you want to stay clear of most goddesses you run into, since they can be pretty dangerous when cranky. However, this one is perfectly harmless. Just a little bit closer…

Thrusting his trusty spear, Diomedes impales the lovely goddess' wrist, causing her to drop Aeneas and get immortal blood all over her newest set of pink lace robes.

Aphrodite:  WAAAAHHHH!!! I want my daddy!! Wait, do I HAVE a daddy? WAAAAHHHH!! There's a gaping hole in my wrist, I dropped my son, AND my best robes are RUINED!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get ichor out of pink lace?!

Fortunately for Aeneas, who faced a long fall onto a long pointy stick or two, Apollo intercepts the plummeting Trojan and whisks Aeneas away to safety.

Diomedes: Curses! Foiled again!! I'll get you, Aphro, and your mortal son, too!

Wisely fleeing the battle (and always hating when people called her "Aphro"), Aphrodite runs to her big brother, Ares, who is resting on a conveniently-located comfy cloud to recover from his frantic search for his shiny preciousss. 

RANDOM COMFY CLOUD

Ares: Preciousss? Have you seen the shiny, pointy preciousss? Mussst…fiiind…

Aphro: Aaa-reeees!! Focus! Some stupid Greek guy has immortally wounded me. Now I won't be able to wear bangles on this wrist for at least a week! And just _look_ at these robes! (sobs)

Ares: Duh…that's why I always wear black, stupid – in case I happen across a battle I want to meddle in. Now scram, sis! I'm trying to look for something shiny and you're dripping blood all over my new sandals.

Aphro: But A-res! I need to get to Olympus and I couldn't possibly swoop in this condition.  Can I borrow your wheels?

Ares:  Fine, fine, take my chariot. But you better not scratch the paint!

So Aphrodite steers the chariot to Olympus and goes running for her mommy, Dione.

OLYMPUS

Aphro: (sobbing) Mom-my! That big, mean Greek man stabbed me and ruined my outfit!

Dione: Now, honey, don't worry too much about it.  Happens to the best of us.  Just remember, dear, he'll get his comeuppance one of these days.

Aphro:  Comeuppance?!  But I want him to get the smackdownance!!

Dione:  That too, dear.

Aphro:  Mwahaha!  Excellent.

Dione:  Careful, hon, you're starting to sound like Hera.

Hera: (swooping in with Athena) You rang?

Aphro:  Speak of the devil.

Hera:  So, I heard you got beat up by a mortal.

Athena:  Poor little Aphro, getting picked on by big, bad Diomedes!

Hera:  You know, if I didn't know that I make those mortals tremble in their little sandals, I would say your weakness gives us goddesses a bad name.

Aphro:  Hmph. It's no wonder that the sight of your face frightens mortals. Its hideousness could probably turn men to stone.

Athena:  Oh, ouch!  Good one!

Hera: (death glare) At least men fear me rather than try to stab me! Pathetic weakling!  Even Zeus thinks you should leave the battle to those of us with backbone and stick to being a divine homewrecker.

And so the lovely Aphrodite flees with sobs and the occasional honk whilst Athena and Hera continue to taunt and fart in her general direction.  Meanwhile, on the battlefield, Diomedes continues to wreak his favorite kind of havoc: the violent and bloody kind.  Once again Diomedes sets his sights on Aeneas, except this time the mighty (if slightly disheveled) Trojan is being guarded by Apollo. 

PLAINS OF TROY

Diomedes:  RARRR!! KILL!!

Aeneas:  Eeeee!! I mean…Oh no!

Apollo: You have to go through me to get to him!

Diomedes:  RARRR!! KILL ANYWAYS!!

Apollo:  Um, hello? I'm a god, remember? BACK OFF, MORTAL!!

Diomedes: …um.

As Diomedes wisely (it happens to everyone once in a while) retreats to avoid catching the fatal Apollowrathitis, the god swoops off and deposits the highly discombobulated Aeneas on a nearby mountaintop where Diomedes can't reach him. Meanwhile, he sends an Aeneas-shaped wind-up doll into the fray to keep the Greeks busy. Rousing Ares from his quest for the shiny thing, Apollo sends the war god to meddle on the plains so he can take a breather on the sidelines.

SIDELINES OF TROJAN PLAINS

Apollo: Whew!  I sure did a lot of swooping today.  Who do they think I am, Athena? Go, Ares go!!

Aeneas: Huh? Where am I? Wasn't I about to die?

Apollo:  Hey, Aeneas ol' buddy!  Just in time to watch the show!

Aeneas:  Apollo? What the…? Is this another one of those weird dreams where I go into battle naked?

Meanwhile, back at the battle… Ares, fierce and powerful god of war, is doing his part to aid the Trojans in their battle…delivering a ferocious pep talk. 

PLAINS OF TROY

Ares (incognito):  Hey, ya pansies! Stop running away and get fighting already!

Sarpedon:  Yeah, _Hector_!  I thought you were supposed to be the defender of our city!  Just because I'm Zeus' son doesn't mean I can fight this war by myself!  Or are you afraid of breaking a nail like Paris?

Paris:  I resent that!!  How dare you imply – EEEWW!!  There's dirt on my manly skirt!

Sarpedon:  Haha…so much for manly.  Now, fearless leader, get out there and fight before I taunt you a second time!

Trojan soldiers:  Peer pressure!! Peer pressure!!

Hector:  Ack!!  Stop the taunting!  Okay, okay…let's fight, men!  To the death!

Soldier: …and what were we doing before?  Fighting til naptime?

Paris:  Did somebody say "nap"?  I could really use some beauty sleep about now…

Hector:  Poseidon's Pink Polka-dotted Panties! (a lesser-known variation on the popular Trojan exclamation)  Hasn't anyone killed him yet?

Greeks:  Workin' on it.

Hector:  Well work a little harder!  It can't be _that_ difficult.  And you Trojans, try to kill the Greeks while they're trying to kill Paris!  No!  Stop asking Big Ajax for his autograph!  Sheesh.  The proper procedure is to kill one of his close friends and take their armor as a souvenir.

SIDELINES

Apollo:  Haha!  Good one, Hector!  Way to disembowel those Greeks while keeping up a witty repartee with the troops!  He's always been one of my favorites, you know.  After you, of course.  Nobody knows how to give a sacrifice like Aeneas.

Cow:  (disgruntled) Moo.

Lil' Ajax:  Fire!  Set it on fire!!  What'd you call me, fool?  What do you mean this skirt makes me look fat?!  Waaaahh!

Cow:  (confused) Moo?

Apollo:  This place has really gone downhill.  It used to be so exclusive – well, pretty much just me – and now they're letting all this riffraff wander around.  That spotted fellow over there smells odd…

Aeneas:  Um, I'm all better now…shouldn't I be down there fighting?

Apollo:  Oh, yeah!  Get back in there, ya lazy bum! (shoves Aeneas back into battle)

And so the battle rages on, neither side giving ground while both sides lose countless warriors.

PLAINS OF TROY…AGAIN

Homer: (running around battlefield with notepad and seeing-eye goat) Must…record…biographical info!  You there!  Before you kick the bucket, I'm gonna need to know your name, lineage, friends list, homeland, major exports, serious allergies, favorite pets, –

Soldier #1254: My….Ack!  XX

Homer:  Dang it!!  Why aren't they taking longer to die!  It's just a few spears in the gut, for crying out loud!

Fortunately, Homer knows many of the warriors by smell, and is able to compile a sufficient amount of biographical data to lull any remaining readers into unconsciousness…again.  Meanwhile, in the midst of battle, two long-lost relatives confront each other.

Tlepolemus: Haha!  You can't possibly defeat me; I'm the son of Hercules and grandson of Zeus!

Sarpedon:  Oh yeah?  Well I'm the offspring of Zeus himself!

Tlepolemus:  What?!  Are…are you my mother?

Sarpedon: (spluttering) Of course not! (ponders) Maybe we're cousins?

Tlepolemus:  Ooh!  How 'bout you're my stepfather once removed?

Sarpedon:  Oh, who cares?!  Can we just fight already?

The battle between Zeus' progeny is fierce, but much shorter than their introductory speeches.  The two warriors hurl their spears simultaneously, each hitting their mark. 

Sarpedon:  Ow!!  Daaad!  Help, there's a spear in my leg!

Tlepolemus:  Granddad!!  My neck hurts— XX

Sarpedon:  Woohoo!  I beat him!  Praise be to my father!!  …Um, could someone help me get off the ground?  Besides getting trampled, I'm a little uncomfortable looking up everyone's skirts.

While Sarpedon is being carried to safety, Hector and bloodthirsty Ares lead the Trojan forces, pushing the Greeks back (and sometimes sideways when Ares thinks he spies his shiny preciouss).  Spotting the turn in the tide of battle, Hera and Athena swoop to Zeus to tattle.

OLYMPUS

Hera:  ZEUS!  That Ares is meddling in battle again – which _I_ wouldn't dream of doing – and killing all the poor, innocent Greeks.  We should definitely smite him!  Smite!!

Zeus:  Fine, fine…just get Athena to do it.  Smiting is so much work, and she likes that sort of thing anyways.

Thrilled to actually have _permission_ to meddle, both goddesses proceed to employ their strategy for motivating the waning Greek forces:  a brutal taunting.

BACK TO PLAINS OF TROY

Hera:  Come on you lazy, ugly, worthless pansies!!  You guys can't do anything right without Achilles holding your hand, can you?  My grandma could fight better than all of you put together!

Athena:  Um, Hera?  You didn't _have_ a grandma.

Hera:  Huh?  Er…you know what I meant!  You all stink! Literally.  Whew!  Just because we're in a war doesn't mean you have to stop bathing.

Athena:  Yeah.  And you, Diomedes!  I expected better of you.  Compared to your father, you're a chicken!  Backing away from the Trojans…

Diomedes:  But, but you told me to!  You told me not to attack Ares and he's leading them!  Plus, my hair fire went out a while ago and I just don't feel as intimidating.

Athena:  Details, details.  Forget what I said; just fight him anyways.  You'll be fine…

Together, Diomedes and Athena set off into the mêlée to battle Ares, who is roaming the field and stripping shiny things from corpses.  With Athena guiding him, Diomedes thrusts his pointy stick right into the war god's gut.  Shrieking in a masculine manner, Ares takes his turn to tattle:

OLYMPUS…AGAIN

Ares:  Daaad!! [Zeus hears that a lot]  Look what Athena did!  She and that stupid Diomedes _stabbed_ me!!  How come Athena can do whatever she wants and never get in trouble and you don't even blink when my guts are falling out?!

Zeus:  Well, the truth is…I really don't like you.  If you weren't my son I'd tell you to get your intestines off my floor and get out, but since we're family I'll get the healing god to fix you.  But you have to clean up the mess…_I'm_ not mopping it up!

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Whew!!  Finally got this gorilla off my back!  Sorry about the length…I think this chapter turned out a bit differently than the others, maybe closer to the actual plot (gasp!).  Please let me know what you think!  I love getting reviews from you guys, even when they make me feel REALLY guilty for not finishing sooner.  Speaking of which, a big THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU to:

**Katja****, German Spy-** Fuzziness is what I'm all about. And fieriness.  Look! You're mentioned in the credits again!

**Yuna****- **Cool!  I hadn't heard of the Batraetcetera…I'll have to find it somewhere! Thanks for the info!

**glorwen****-**Hehe…sorry about the degrading part.  I did check out your story; very interesting. Good luck with your writing! And if you wanna talk stupid titles, take a look at mine! Oh, well, stupid is relative, as I always say.

**Haname****- **Sorry to keep you waiting so long! I definitely don't want to start _another_ parody before I finish this one! Sheesh. I wouldn't mind doing one on the Odyssey, but dang! I'm only on book 6 now! Yup, I'm definitely a Douglas Adams fan, and of course Monty Python. I have to work a lot to get the wording just the way I want it (hence the slow update), but most of the jokes just come to me when I read through. Would you believe that _some people_ think I'm weird? Craziness, I tell you.

**Sugarjet**** Erin- **Crazy Greeks…the whole incest thing is very scary, not to mention confusing. I'm having the hardest time keeping track of who is whose brother/father/uncle/whatever.  Ah, well.

**sogol****-**I bet it's bean dip…or maybe ranch. Hehe. I never understood how they go rifling through corpses without getting killed. Then again, all those shiny things have got to be hard to resist…

**BrandyBuccaneer****- **Fiery? Me? Well, maybe a bit…bwahahaha!!

**Risk- **Eeevil, huh? Right up my alley.  Wow…Iliad, Odyssey, Antigone, Aeneid, and Iliad all in 8th grade? Sounds evil to me. An evil party of doom.

**Hermia's**** Muse- **Ack! No crying!! Man, you're good at the guilt trip thing! Sorry about the delay!

**Susan- **Thanks for all the constructiveness in your reviews! After a bit of after-the-fact research, I'm pretty sure the Iliad (750 BC methinks) actually was before the writing of the Pentateuch, but they are both _really_ old.  I hope I'm not still being confusing with the narration; I know it's kind of awkward sometimes. Pointy sticks…not sure where that came from, but probably some dark and confusing part of my mind. There were a lot of spears in this chapter, which are indeed pointy sticks, but I kind of alternated back and forth so it (hopefully) won't get too tedious. Haven't seen TM in a while, but next time I do I'll get his autograph for ya. Ah, the gods, what would mortals do without them? Probably live longer. Hmm…couldn't work in the rose petals, but hopefully you liked the Gollum bits in this book. Apparently he can move from host to host.  Update yourself! Mwaha!

**Porqu**** llora Smeágol?- **I'd say the Iliad would've been much easier to read if I didn't keep trying to read on my bed after midnight.  It's not so good for concentration.  I'll work on sticking Smeagol back in, although Ares was definitely channeling Gollum this chapter. _Shiny preciousss… _As for Paris, probably a bit of both, really.  It seems to me that several of the characters (including Hector) really do imply or straight-out say he's a pansy, but he's also one of my least fav characters since the war is basically his fault. Alas! I have to wait a bit longer to see Troy, but it should definitely be _interesting_, even if nothing like the Iliad.

**The Two-Tailed Cat- **Here is more, as requested!  I hope the next more won't take nearly as long…

**Silver Whirl- **I'm planning on going as far as possible, but you can tell from the pace I'm writing that it might take a while (argh!).  I can definitely sympathize about having to read the Iliad several times, as well as the neverending dialogue.  I think Lil' Ajax is my fav character right now, so he'll probably pop up several more times where he doesn't belong. I love your character assessments for Paris and Achilles!  True, true.  You're also right about the dorky epithets…I haven't been putting in enough of them or the similes to keep up with Homer.  Alas! I shall try to stuff more in next chapter!

**D6- **Yeah, I couldn't find anything like this when I read it the first time, so somehow I ended up doing it myself. Go figure. I really wish I wrote faster, though!  I hope The Aeneid is fun.  I read _most_ of that last semester while I was struggling to write this chapter, I believe. Are you reading it in a different language?  Coolness.

**Bird of Prey- **I sense that you have also read the Iliad.  Homer sure does like to put a lot of names in there, doesn't he?

**miabubble****-**A hero, huh? Fiery Ferret to save the day! Kind of clashes with the doom, though.  Ah, mullets, sure to brighten any day.  Homer _is_ a great guy for letting me pick on him so much!

**Julieanna****- **Aww…now my story and I feel loved! I bet your mom wouldn't believe you if you said the Iliad was what's so funny. Hope you liked the update!

Well, that's it for Book 5! I plan to start the next one immediately (unlike last time), so let me know what you think soon!  Tune in next time for Hector's conjugal visit…and I believe there's a bit of Helen as well!


	6. Why can't we be friends?

DISCLAIMER: You may wonder why I'm still doing these disclaiming things despite them being highly unnecessary by this point. Well, the truth is that I've become sort of attached to the little buggers. Indeed, the chapters would seem kind of empty without them…perish the thought! So I'm dedicating this chapter written about the Iliad which I do not own to the oft underappreciated disclaimer. Oh, and to Ziltron for reminding me I'm supposed to be working on this thing. Honestly, how do people update regularly with school and work and stuff going on? One of the true mysteries of life.

* * *

BOOK 6

PLAINS OF TROY

Valiantly ignoring the vaguely sacrilegious events of the previous chapter – namely Diomedes maiming a couple gods – the warriors on both sides throw themselves into the battle, slaying people we've never heard of left and right. And sometimes in the middle. Of course, the skirmishes are fought in slow mo, giving the combatants plenty of time to introduce themselves and have a cup of tea (and perhaps a scone or two) between blows, then afterwards the victor rifles through the loser's belongings, absconding with anything that catches their eye, such as an especially becoming helmet or a particularly shiny battle skirt. Even the warriors that readers actually recognize are getting in on the action.

Menelaus: Haha! The famous and mighty Trojan warrior is now at my mercy! …Er, what was your name again?

Mighty but apparently not too famous warrior: My name's Adrestus and I am one of Troy's greatest fighters. hugs Menelaus' legs Please don't hurt me!!

Menelaus: Um…how bout I just call you "You There"? All these names are giving me a headache. And why should I spare your life?

You There: I'll be your best friend! And…and…I'll give you a bunch of booty! My family's loaded! We've got tripods out the wazoo! Puhleeease?

Menelaus: Hmm…a dilemma. On the one hand, I'm rarely given credit for actually defeating anyone so my show-off brother, that mama's boy Achilles, and random flaming people get all the glory. On the other hand, I DO love booty, especially in tripod form…wish I knew what those things were for, though…

Overhearing this exchange and anticipating that his brother's tripod fetish was going to win him over, Aggie speeds over and delivers his best motivational speech.

Aggie: BABAWK!! I didn't know my brother was a chicken-boy! Too CHICKEN to kill your enemy, CHICKEN_-_boy? Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Inspired by his brother's noble words, Menelaus strengthened his resolve and courageously killed the unarmed man, with a little help from his brother.

Menelaus: Ha! Showed you I'm not a chicken-boy! sticks out tongue

Aggie: Oh yeah? Well I bet I've killed more people?

Menelaus: Have not!

Aggie: Have too!

Menelaus: The ones on our side don't count!

Aggie: Yeah, well…I've still killed more!! Race ya to the front lines!

Menelaus: Wait! We forgot to loot the body! He said he's loaded! And look at that fashionably tarnished battle skirt!

Nestor: Now, boys, loot later! We're in the middle of battle; shouldn't you be killing someone?

Aggie: Aww…okay. Ooh! Dibs on that guy!

Menelaus: No fair! I saw him first! D'you think HE has tripods?

As the brothers Atrides pursue You There the Second, the Trojan seer sees some disturbing signs.

Helenus: The little alphabet letters in my cereal bowl have spelled out a message from the gods! They say that Aeneas should rally the troops to prevent them from running back to their mommies like little children. Hector, you should return to the city and get all the women to bribe Athena so she'll keep that raving lunatic from killing us all!

Hector: Who, Paris?

Helenus: No! I meant Diomedes! If I meant Paris I would have said "frilly pansy boy." Sheesh. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, and the gods say that maybe we should consider wearing deodorant.

Aeneas and Hector: What's that?

Helenus: Beats me. I'm a seer, not a psychic! Maybe it's some kind of new hairclip?

Aeneas: Hairclips for everyone!! Onward to battle, men! For our home, our honor, and our hairclips!! YAAAH!!

Hector: Wow. That has got to be THE most original battle cry ever. Oh, well. FOR HAIRCLIPS!!

And so, after delivering one last hair-raising (hehe…) battle cry, Hector bravely turns back towards Troy and runs for his mommy…er, the queen.

Meanwhile, two fierce warriors face off in the middle of no man's land: Glaucus, the son of Whoreallycares? (if names can have apostrophes, then why not question marks?), and Diomedes of the Formerly Flaming Head clan. Being the outgoing and friendly guy he is, is the first to break the remarkably noisy silence.

Diomedes: So, who are you that you are brave enough to challenge me? I didn't see your picture in this year's addition of "Who's Who in the Trojan Army." You're not a god, are you? I'm not supposed to fight any more if those today.

Glaucus: You must be Diomedes…I recognize the scorch marks on your head. Allow me to introduce myself by reciting the entire history of my family, placing special emphasis on my famous grandpappy. You know, Bellerophon, slayer of the Chimera and…doer of other…brave and noble deeds! Of which I myself also do many. strikes a brave and noble pose …Ahem…where was I?

Diomedes: Brave and noble deeds.

Glaucus: Oh, right. Yeah, I do those, AND I'm on page 23 of "Who's Who in the Trojan Army," in case you were wondering.

Diomedes: pulls out his copy and flips through Oh, hey, there you are! The pages were stuck together!

Glaucus: Oh, well that's all right then. I was worried they might've left me out again this year.

Diomedes: Oh, no! You definitely deserve to make it in there, and before page 23, I should think. It's a wonder I didn't recognize you before! Why, my father's cousin's neighbor's barber's son once hosted your grandfather whom you've never met! We're practically related! Let's be friends!

Singing the traditional rendition of "Why Can't We Be Friends" and doing the sacred dance of goodwill, the two opposing warriors pinky swear to trade friendship armor (bracelets are for lesser men) and part in peace, getting back to killing each other's friends and relatives.

During this entirely disappointing but nonetheless entertaining exchange, Hector has made his way back to his hometown.

TROY

Hector: Hey, ladies! I'm home!

Women of Troy: Hey! It's Hector! Finally, a guy besides old man Priam in the city! It's been VERY boring around here for the last nine or so years…

Hector: Um, the seer said that we should pray. Really hard. I suggest you start now.

After spreading his message of depressing hope to the women around the city gates, Hector proceeds to the palace to find his mother.

Hecuba: Hector, honey, what are you doing home so early? Did you scare all those mean Greeks away? Here, let Mommy get you something to drink. You look all worn out!

Hector: Aw, Mom, I don't have time for that! The sacred alphabet cereal revealed to the seer that we should give Athena's statue some new clothes and some shiny stuff and pray that she keep Diomedes off our backs.

Hecuba: Wow, that's some wordy cereal.

Hector: Tell me about it. Now, hurry! Go suck up to Athena while I go see if I can get that pansy Paris back into battle.

With that, Hecuba rushed off to the Royal Storage Area for Shiny Cloth and got the biggest, prettiest robe, then led her procession of women with nothing better to do up to Athena's shrine.

Priestess: Waaaaaail!! Oh, Athena! Please smite that lunatic Diomedes before our walls! Pretty please? We'll kill dozens of helpless animals in your honor and be your best friends forever if you'll save our city! WAAAAAIIIILL!!!

OLYMPUS

Athena: Pfft. Like that's gonna change my mind. Don't they know I prefer armor and pointy things to frilly dresses? Besides, I hold a grudge against Aphrodite and Paris for reasons not explained by Homer. They can pray all they want…unlike my father, I ain't playing both sides in this war. Go, Diomedes, go!

PARIS' BEDROOM

Hector finally arrives in his younger brother's quarters (it's a big palace). Upon seeing Hector enter, Paris quickly hides his needlepoint and pretends to polish his armor, while Helen pretends she doesn't know Paris across the room. Hector greets his brother warmly.

Hector: Paris, you worthless pansy!! What are you doing lounging around here sewing little flowers while the war YOU started is raging outside?! Pansy! Am I repeating myself?

Paris: Okay, okay, I admit it, I'm a pansy! You don't have to rub it in, you know.

Hector: cough _pansy_ cough

Paris: It's just that all this fighting and getting dirty is just too depressing. I mean, the only way to even change clothes out there is to kill someone else and take theirs, and that's just too hard!

Hector: sigh

Paris: Besides, then the clothes are all smelly anyways, and I don't want to wear around someone else's BO!

Hector: groans and gives Paris a dirty look

Paris: Okay, okay, I'm going! Helen's been convincing me to go back to battle –

Hector: (under breath) probably hoping you'll get killed…

Paris: – so you just go on ahead and I'll be right behind ya!

Hector: Uh huh. I've heard that one before. And you're gonna give me back all those hairclips you've borrowed over the years, too, I suppose?

Helen: He is a big coward, isn't he Hector? I wish I'd married a better man.

Hector: Um, I'm pretty sure you did. Name's Menelaus…ring a bell?

Helen: sigh Yeah, the whole coming to Troy and causing countless thousands of deaths really wasn't my best move.

Hector: No kidding.

Helen: You look pretty tired after killing my former countrymen all day. Maybe you should sit down.

Hector: Unlike _some_ people, I intend to get back to the battle sometime today! Plus I still have to stop by and see the wife before I go back out to die…I mean fight. Try to get the little wimp back out there, will ya, Helen? I gotta go.

Hector speeds off to find his family while Helen pokes Paris until he finally starts the long and arduous process of putting on his best battle armor.

Paris: Hel-en! Does this battle skirt make me look fat?

Helen: Ugh. Excuse me for a minute. I'll just be…somewhere else.

ELSEWHERE IN TROY

Hector: Honey, I'm home!

Andromache: Um…who are you again?

Hector: Andie, dear, remember me? Your husband Hector?

Andie: Hector…Hector…Oh! Welcome back, honey! It's been so long I guess I forgot what you look like. What, are you like the only Trojan keeping the Greek army at bay?

Hector: Only when the men get spooked by someone with a bonfire on his head or the occasional large rodent.

Andie: That's nice dear. Oh, and good news! We've got a son! See?

Hector Jr projectile vomits on daddy

Hector: Urk! Uh…oh, no! I think I hear Aeneas calling me! What's that, Aeneas? I'm needed in battle?

Andie: Wait! I don't hear anything! Stay here and throw heavy things at the Greeks, just don't go out there to die! It's almost as if there's some strange foreshadowing that's telling me if you go back to battle you're going to die…how odd.

Hector: I'm sorry, Andie, eyes Hector Jr warily and backs away but…my manly pride…yes, that's the ticket…my manly pride won't allow me to abandon my troops. Now don't worry, honey, if and when I die and the city is overrun by the Greeks, you'll be the most valuable slave in the city! Everyone will wish that they got the wife of the great and mighty Hector!

Andie: Great. Thank you for delivering the least encouraging pep talk ever. I'm going to go cry in the corner now.

Hector: (mutters) As long as you keep that little puke machine away from me… (out loud) Farewell, hon! Until we all die horrible deaths and meet again in the underworld!

Andie: Sob!

Hector: (running towards the gates) Now where did my ninny of a brother go now?

Paris: Hector! There you are! There's something very important I need to ask you before we go back to fight the Greeks.

Hector: Anything, brother. What is it that is so important to you?

Paris: You know I trust you more than anyone else, and you've always been honest with me. It's just that…I just want to say…OMG! I think I've outgrown my prettiest battle skirt but Helen won't tell me the truth! Does this make me look fat?

Hector: Gah!!

* * *

Haha! She is done! If you enjoyed, feel free to leave a review. If not, why the monkey did you read all the way down here?! Crazies… BTW, I don't mean to slander Hector (that's what Paris is for); he really is a good father in the book. It's just that, well, projectile vomit is scary. And funny. If it doesn't land on you.

MANY THANKS BE TO:

**Xenopus****- **Thanks for the corrections! I think I had some parenthetical comments this time, but possibly fewer than normal…maybe. Hopefully they didn't break up the flow too badly.

**The Two-Tailed Cat- "**Soon" is a relative term, right? Just like "hysterical." Psychiatrist, shmichiatrist! I speak from personal experience. The voices know me much better than that crackpot ever will! Mwahaha! Mostly kidding…

**Sugarjet**** Erin- **Fear not, looks like it took me a while, too. I hope this chapter kept moving along fast enough for ya.

**Yuna****- **Hai, crazy RL. I can't believe I have had more time to write here at school than during the summer. My job was sometimes fun, never boring, and almost paid enough, but it left me entirely too tired and busy. Boo for the real world. This chapter serious enough for ya? I hope not…

**The White mask- **Doh! I killed another one! Maybe I should include an accidental death clause in the disclaimer from now on. Needless to say, you and William Shatner shall be forgiven if you fail to review this chapter.

**S h i b b i e- **History essays are DEFINITELY overrated. Besides, the Iliad is history…ish, and my parody…resembles it…slightly? (Oh, man, did I just do a _really_ bad Shatner impression? Ack!) I, of course, am being distracted from some psychology homework at the moment. Tomorrow I'll be distracted from history.

**Silver Whirl- **I'm rather fond of Book 6, too. Honest, I meant "conjugal" as a synonym for marital. It just sounds better. Wow, I hadn't noticed before now that the gods didn't make a single appearance in this one. Oh, wait, Athena's in for a bit. But still. No wonder it seemed so calm. I guess they were on an ambrosia break.

**Haname****- **Singing with joy always beats wailing with sorrow, as I always say. Okay, so I just made that up, but someone could have said it before. Deep, huh? The kids in your English class are obviously starved for entertainment. Might I suggest a Chinese fire drill every time the teacher turns their back? Hehe…that'd be great. Keep up the good pestering (as long as there's no crying).

**lautan-****sedai****- **Here! Take it! All of you!

**amber-****darcy****- **Oops, made someone else cry! No, tears of laughter are okay. I'm used to causing the frustration kind, so this is a nice change. I may be wrong, but I think my lousy parody is closer to the Iliad than the Troy movie. It was interesting, though, that's for sure. Good luck checking out the Iliad, although I'm sure you may have to do it eventually for one class or another. Just look at me…I had it in like three classes so far. Bah!

**Ham and Cheese- **Well, I guess it's understandable that Hera was a bit confused about the whole family tree thing, especially since it's more like a family web. Eww. And how come it's always the men in skimpy skirts that get blamed? What kind of society do we live in today, anyway?

**Ziltron****- **Why thank you, dahling! I try. A bit too hard, actually.

And remember, I may be slow and not steady, but I AM motivated by reviews! So get reviewin'! Pwetty pwease?


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